I've Been Snailed

Water boarding and Piracy are SO yesterday. Terrorists, and apparently Internet Service Providers, like to keep things fresh and are constantly developing new forms of torture and extortion.

My ISP "snailed" me this week.

What is snailing you ask? Snailing is the deliberate and malicious slowing of Internet speed to, yes, a snail's pace, generally done in an effort to collect an over-due payment. But, it seems, because it's so fun and their telephone service representatives get a little lonely, they also like to pretend you won't pay them so they can put you in their "snail-box" just for the heck of it.

At first it was just annoying, but like Chinese water torture, time is it's greatest ally. When things didn't clear up by the next morning I entered into negotiations with my assailant. "Steve", a rather arrogant man to whom I wanted to give as little satisfaction as possible, was my first contact. I resigned myself to a little reconnaissance before the next round only to be thwarted Thursday afternoon when they refused to meet with me in favor of their alliance with the CST (central standard time).

Friday morning I was armed and ready bright and early. First I spoke with "Ethan". I like to think of Ethan as the "good cop". Our conversation was brief, my defense complete, and it looked as though a treaty would be reached within the hour. However, I soon discovered that his smooth words and empty promises were only an attempt to lull me into complacency as they prepared for their big gun: snailed speed over the weekend.

This would not be borne. I doubled my efforts, sparring off with Kevin, the unhelpful, and Gerald, the foreigner, both fiercely shielding me from their commander and the only one authorized to sound the retreat- the illusive Elaine. But they revealed too much. I was close, I could feel it. Their last line of defense was a series of disconnects, all timed to maximize their effectiveness. Then, when least expected, I got through. The voice on the other end was yawny and familiar. "Steve" nonchalantly informed me that everything looked "normal" and so courteously asked if there was anything else he could do for me.

I was speechless. I wanted vindication. I had been ready to threaten an all out trade embargo. But my dependence is undeniable. Like off-shore drilling, it will take time to develop alternative methods for fueling my need for speed.

In honor of my liberation from snail hell, tell me: what did you use your Internet for this week?